Honest motherhood.

We need it every now and again…this. Open space and horizon lines on every side. Time away from the busyness and the routines of the every day. We’re going to do a bit of that this weekend. To escape. Escape completely…even just for a few hours.

Through tears and upset my eldest said to me tonight that we never played anymore…we only talked about home works and all the things she had to do. And if I’m being completely honest it cut me right to the core. Because she was right. Somehow, despite all my talk about allowing them to be little, enjoying the moments and all those other cliches we use; I had missed it; missed her. 

And the accusatory voice rang in my ears…how could a mother get it so badly wrong? Be so far off the mark? How could I allow frustration and irritation to rise so quickly over such little things against my ‘biggest’ little one? A bad mum? I felt it.

For despite her young years, she has much to do. A lot of the time she fights it – she fights it because in her heart she is still little. She still wants to play. And she doesn’t want to grow up and do ‘big’ things as she sees them.
She wants me to play…to chat, to talk with her about her pictures and her paper cupcakes she has made for her school chums. And all I talk about is homework and music practise and tidying her room.

I’m missing it. The big thing…the. most. important. thing.

I’m missing her.

So, despite how her tearful admission tore at my very inmost being. She spoke truth right into my heart. And with that broken statement she turned me and pointed me back in the right direction.
As her mum, I’m not seeing her…I’m seeing her stuff; the stuff she finds hard and that she struggles with – and I have been focusing on that. 

She needs me to see her. Know her. Accept her. Love her.
Because if I don’t see her and pursue her then who will?

Ashamed at my distraction and how easily I have lapsed into a negative spiral I have decided we are going to escape this weekend.  We are going to walk and feel the air, hold hands and talk about the little stuff that is the big stuff, build dens and drink hot chocolate.

We are going to be reminded by escaping to the goodness and wholeness of nature that all those chores and to do lists – important as all those things are – they are never to outweigh the real stuff of life. And when back in routine; when homework needs done and bedrooms need tidied and frustrations sweep in, may I never have to face again the heart breaking truth that I have let all that stuff overwhelm and stifle us. Strangle us so that we are robbed of joy.

Motherhood seems at times to hold up this mirror that reveals my biggest flaws. As disheartening as I find this, it is always, always swept away by the forgiveness of little girls who forgive and forget over and over again. A beautiful trait of children. And on their heels sweeps in a God who picks me up, sets me on my feet and gently leads me on; encouraging me to point these wee ones he has given me for a while, to Him –  in whatever I do….whether in the good or in the confession of the bad. I don’t have to be perfect. I think imperfect and messy is ok; that forgiveness and family go hand in hand.

We will still most definitely struggle to get homework done, I will probably get weary of giving instructions to pick up clothes and will no doubt lose my temper when I shouldn’t. But my hope is that that never defines our relationship…that mother/daughter bond, too fragile to let be ravaged by mundanes of life.

I want to cherish it, nurture it, pursue it.
Cherish her, nurture her, pursue her.

So I’ll still cling to my cliches I love because I actually really want them for my girls…they only get to be little once, I want them to enjoy it. 

I just hope that I’m not the one getting in the way.